We took a roadtrip this August from our home in Virginia to Door County, WI (look it up). We took two kids under 5 on a 40 hour car ride round trip and lived to tell the tale so here is how we survived.
1. We packed up the night before and left early. I'm not talking just after breakfast early, I'm talking 6am kindof early. We had the kids sleep in very comfortable clothes the night before, jammies that could pass for clothes so that we didn't have to change them when they woke up. We loaded them into the car while they were still asleep along with their special blankets and lovies and away we went.
2. I packed all kinds of food. I made popcorn and cornbread and sandwiches and cookies. I packed clementines and apples and lots of juice boxes. We made a breakfast out of cornbread and apples at around 9am the first day which means we got in about 3 hours of our drive before we had to stop for food. Not to shabby.
3. Car seat arrangement. We drive a Honda CR-v and I had each kid next to a door with a big basket of toys in between. This basket doubled as a toy box once we got where we were going. We used the space beneath their feet for most of the food we brought, that way it was accessible.
4. Portable DVD player! I love this particular invention. My kids watched Finding Nemo about 7 times on the way to Wisconsin but I'm OK with that. We did turn it off from time to time so that they could enjoy the scenery and we could have some family time together but for the most part, there's not much scenery from the toll road in Ohio and Indiana so bring on Nemo.
5. Think outside the box. When looking for places for your kids to stretch their legs on a road trip, may I just suggest a Walmart during off hours. Think about it. You've got these long aisles for kids to run, it's well lite and if you're there during off hours, there aren't very many people to run into. We did laps around the garden center so that we were getting some "fresh" air as well. The garden center was particularly great because you're outside but it's fenced in so the kids can't get too far from you and run into trouble. That, and the Walmart bathrooms are much nicer than the typical rest stop bathrooms.
6. Don't expect to be able to do more than 12 hours (that includes stops) in a day. If you start traveling at 6am, you're checking into a hotel at 6pm or your kids will be friend and you'll have a bad next day. There are no quick stops with kids, plan on at least 45 minutes for lunch, potty, and run time before you're back on the road.
7th and final tip. Most rules are suspended on vacation. The nutrition police go on strike, the bed time patrol is asleep at the wheel. Even the behavior cop is a bit lax. This is OK! You will run into some trouble because of all of this but it's more important for your kids to be able to get to know the rest of their family and build good memories with them than for them to eat all their veggies or get to bed by 7:30 on the dot. Your kids will understand that the rules kick back in after you get home. And yes, you will probably have a couple of bad behavior days once you get back home but this is to be expected and would probably happen anyway.
There, now you have no good excuse for not heading off to that family reunion in the sticks. Kids do travel and as long as you're cool, they will be cool. Be prepared and all will be well. As always, good luck!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Catching up
It's been a long time since I've posted but I have several very good reasons for that so if you still love me enough to read them, here they are.
We went on Vacation! I will post more about soon as I've figured out several survival strategies for road trips with small ones.
We started homeschooling! I will post more about this soon as well because it's awesome and Pudding really seems to like it. She's not reading Shakespeare or anything yet but she's learning a lot of other things and seems to enjoy it.
We've tentatively started trying for another baby. That's big, I know. Part of me is terrified about this and the other is really excited but I know we want more and I feel like we're ready. Life has been entirely too manageable lately, got to stir things up again.
That is the strange thing just now, things have been manageable, as manageable as they ever are with kids under 18 around. My house is still a mess but that speaks more to my poor use of time and messy being genetic than to things being to hectic. I'm able to get diner on the table every night and it doesn't feel like a hardship anymore. I can knit, not as much as I want to but then there aren't enough hours in the day for that one. I can sleep when the cat doesn't decide that he needs to express his heartfelt love to me at 3am by making biscuits on my neck, claws and all. Overall, life is pretty chill right now and I always feel a little uneasy when life is this calm.
And so, bring on the crazy! Bring on the diapers and the endless nursing, bring on the tricky nap schedule and the crazy wakeful nights. Bring on the 3 shirt days and the constant spit up, the discomfort and nausea of pregnancy and the joyful trial of birth. Here we go again!
We went on Vacation! I will post more about soon as I've figured out several survival strategies for road trips with small ones.
We started homeschooling! I will post more about this soon as well because it's awesome and Pudding really seems to like it. She's not reading Shakespeare or anything yet but she's learning a lot of other things and seems to enjoy it.
We've tentatively started trying for another baby. That's big, I know. Part of me is terrified about this and the other is really excited but I know we want more and I feel like we're ready. Life has been entirely too manageable lately, got to stir things up again.
That is the strange thing just now, things have been manageable, as manageable as they ever are with kids under 18 around. My house is still a mess but that speaks more to my poor use of time and messy being genetic than to things being to hectic. I'm able to get diner on the table every night and it doesn't feel like a hardship anymore. I can knit, not as much as I want to but then there aren't enough hours in the day for that one. I can sleep when the cat doesn't decide that he needs to express his heartfelt love to me at 3am by making biscuits on my neck, claws and all. Overall, life is pretty chill right now and I always feel a little uneasy when life is this calm.
And so, bring on the crazy! Bring on the diapers and the endless nursing, bring on the tricky nap schedule and the crazy wakeful nights. Bring on the 3 shirt days and the constant spit up, the discomfort and nausea of pregnancy and the joyful trial of birth. Here we go again!
Monday, June 14, 2010
feminist...like it or not
This post is a response to this article. Please read it and then come back for my take on things.
A long time ago I took a Woman's Studies course during my matriculation at Montgomery college. I found the discussions in that class to be fascinatingly ridiculous and quickly realized that most common sense was viewed as insanity. I remember one girl stating that a man's opinion on some woman's issue was just as valid as a woman's because "It's all just opinion." I may have an opinion on civil wars in Africa and anarchy in Greece but I'm not really part of that discussion, nor should I be, even though, "it's all just opinion."
On the first day in that class our teacher defined feminism as "the belief that women should have equal rights and opportunities with men." No where in this definition did it state that being feminist also meant that you must believe that it is a god given right to have your unborn child hoovered out of you and disposed of whenever you saw fit. (Yes, I know the decision to have an abortion is a deeply personal thing and I know many of my dear friends have had the procedure done. It breaks my heart that they felt that this was the only option left to them and that the multitude of other choices out there are so rarely taken.)
The hard core feminist of the NOW and things like that seem to believe that if you don't believe in abortion rights then somehow you aren't really a feminist. If you believe say, that women should have the right to choose not to have sex, or to use multiple layers of protection or to have their baby adopted to parents who could take care of it, or perhaps to take responsibility for the choices they have made and find a way to raise their child and change the life they had in mind, then the feminist label really isn't for you because after all, men don't have to have babies and we want to be equal with them, don't we?
So now, political candidates who are women and claim the title feminist for themselves because they believe that all women deserve the same rights as men are called fakers by the established feminist press because they disagree on this issue.
Rights are a funny thing. People define them so differently these days that the term is starting to loose it's meaning. I personally believe that a right is something that cannot be given to you by someone else. It can be interfeared with but it cannot be given at someone else s expense. My right to free speech isn't given to me by anyone in particular. I don't have to ask my neighbor to let me have this right. I do have to ask that he leave me alone to practice my free speech and very occasionally I have to ask that my fellow countrymen defend that right against those that would take it away but I don't have to ask them to give it.
As a woman I have the right to bear children or not. I can choose not to participate in activities that result in children if I don't want them or I can choose from the many varieties of contraception that are available if I decide I just can't help myself. I can choose to do things that I know lead to pregnancy if babies are what I want. I do not have equal rights with men, I have greater rights because no matter how hard a man tries and despite some medical gimmickry, men can never do this. With this awesome right comes awesome responsibility, as it does with all rights. You want the right to free speech, you better be prepared to defend it and deal with the consequences of whatever crazy thing you say. We women have the right to bear children and we have to know that that right comes with the responsibility of making a clear and logical choice to have them or not and deal with the consequences of that choice. Why do we sell ourselves so short, to think that the only choice is between having an unwanted child or an abdication of our ultimate responsibility?
As for the political types, why is it so hard to understand that there are millions of women out there who don't think that abortion is OK and who don't think that national health care is a good idea and who don't think that the way our government is handling things is appropriate. Why shouldn't these voices have representation and why shouldn't that representation come from a woman who shares those ideals?
One final thought, why have the feminist mainstream devoted so much energy to protecting a woman's right to choose to end her pregnancy where there are millions more women who are denied the right to choose how and what means to continue their pregnancy? The maternal mortality rate has been going up in the US for the last 28 years (since 1982). That means that more women are dying around the time of childbirth(percentage wise) in my generation than did in my mothers. That fact ought to have every feminist worth her salt up in arms because it effects every woman who will ever have a child, not just those who will choose to end their pregnancy. This is a discussion for another time, check back later for that one.
A long time ago I took a Woman's Studies course during my matriculation at Montgomery college. I found the discussions in that class to be fascinatingly ridiculous and quickly realized that most common sense was viewed as insanity. I remember one girl stating that a man's opinion on some woman's issue was just as valid as a woman's because "It's all just opinion." I may have an opinion on civil wars in Africa and anarchy in Greece but I'm not really part of that discussion, nor should I be, even though, "it's all just opinion."
On the first day in that class our teacher defined feminism as "the belief that women should have equal rights and opportunities with men." No where in this definition did it state that being feminist also meant that you must believe that it is a god given right to have your unborn child hoovered out of you and disposed of whenever you saw fit. (Yes, I know the decision to have an abortion is a deeply personal thing and I know many of my dear friends have had the procedure done. It breaks my heart that they felt that this was the only option left to them and that the multitude of other choices out there are so rarely taken.)
The hard core feminist of the NOW and things like that seem to believe that if you don't believe in abortion rights then somehow you aren't really a feminist. If you believe say, that women should have the right to choose not to have sex, or to use multiple layers of protection or to have their baby adopted to parents who could take care of it, or perhaps to take responsibility for the choices they have made and find a way to raise their child and change the life they had in mind, then the feminist label really isn't for you because after all, men don't have to have babies and we want to be equal with them, don't we?
So now, political candidates who are women and claim the title feminist for themselves because they believe that all women deserve the same rights as men are called fakers by the established feminist press because they disagree on this issue.
Rights are a funny thing. People define them so differently these days that the term is starting to loose it's meaning. I personally believe that a right is something that cannot be given to you by someone else. It can be interfeared with but it cannot be given at someone else s expense. My right to free speech isn't given to me by anyone in particular. I don't have to ask my neighbor to let me have this right. I do have to ask that he leave me alone to practice my free speech and very occasionally I have to ask that my fellow countrymen defend that right against those that would take it away but I don't have to ask them to give it.
As a woman I have the right to bear children or not. I can choose not to participate in activities that result in children if I don't want them or I can choose from the many varieties of contraception that are available if I decide I just can't help myself. I can choose to do things that I know lead to pregnancy if babies are what I want. I do not have equal rights with men, I have greater rights because no matter how hard a man tries and despite some medical gimmickry, men can never do this. With this awesome right comes awesome responsibility, as it does with all rights. You want the right to free speech, you better be prepared to defend it and deal with the consequences of whatever crazy thing you say. We women have the right to bear children and we have to know that that right comes with the responsibility of making a clear and logical choice to have them or not and deal with the consequences of that choice. Why do we sell ourselves so short, to think that the only choice is between having an unwanted child or an abdication of our ultimate responsibility?
As for the political types, why is it so hard to understand that there are millions of women out there who don't think that abortion is OK and who don't think that national health care is a good idea and who don't think that the way our government is handling things is appropriate. Why shouldn't these voices have representation and why shouldn't that representation come from a woman who shares those ideals?
One final thought, why have the feminist mainstream devoted so much energy to protecting a woman's right to choose to end her pregnancy where there are millions more women who are denied the right to choose how and what means to continue their pregnancy? The maternal mortality rate has been going up in the US for the last 28 years (since 1982). That means that more women are dying around the time of childbirth(percentage wise) in my generation than did in my mothers. That fact ought to have every feminist worth her salt up in arms because it effects every woman who will ever have a child, not just those who will choose to end their pregnancy. This is a discussion for another time, check back later for that one.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Family Planning
I've been just itching to have another baby lately. Many of my friends have small ones right now and I hold them and feel the ovaries jumping.
However, recent events have me thinking that maybe another baby, no matter how much I want one, just isn't a good idea. The fact that my Pudding still seems to be stuck in the terrible twos two years later and the Tyke is moving into them six months ahead of time makes me think that this could be all that I can handle.
I'm trying to think long term. What would I wish that I had done when I'm 80. When I'm 80 I want to be surrounded by my children and their children and their children's children. I have always wanted a big family. I see the closeness that my grandmother has with her 5 brothers and sisters and I want my kids to have that kind of community.
Weather I can handle another one remains to be seen. I may turn into one of those mothers who you see with their eyes twitching and at least one kid on a leach but at least they'll have someone to sympathize with them when they're older, a few fellow survivors of mom's house of crazy. We'll see!
However, recent events have me thinking that maybe another baby, no matter how much I want one, just isn't a good idea. The fact that my Pudding still seems to be stuck in the terrible twos two years later and the Tyke is moving into them six months ahead of time makes me think that this could be all that I can handle.
I'm trying to think long term. What would I wish that I had done when I'm 80. When I'm 80 I want to be surrounded by my children and their children and their children's children. I have always wanted a big family. I see the closeness that my grandmother has with her 5 brothers and sisters and I want my kids to have that kind of community.
Weather I can handle another one remains to be seen. I may turn into one of those mothers who you see with their eyes twitching and at least one kid on a leach but at least they'll have someone to sympathize with them when they're older, a few fellow survivors of mom's house of crazy. We'll see!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Advice...oy!
I am one of "those" people. The one's who have to literally bit their tongues to keep from telling new mommies exactly what they are doing wrong and how they could do it better. I can't help it. I know they don't want to hear what I have to say and I know that I don't know everything about babies so I really do try not to interfere when I'm not invited to do so but sometimes it's just so tempting.
You see, the thing is that I didn't really know many other mommies when I was a new mother. Everything was hard and my mom was 1000 miles away and even when I talked to her, there was an awful lot that she just couldn't help me with. Case in point. Pudding used to scream her little lungs out on any car ride that lasted more than 10 minutes. We tried music, we tried having me sit next to her, we tried no music, we tried NPR thinking that it would put anyone to sleep. Nothing worked.
I asked my mom what she had done and she told me that when I was little (1981) that she hadn't used a car seat, she'd just put me on the passenger seat next to her and kept a hand on me to make sure I didn't roll off. If I got fussy, she'd just pull over to the side of the rural road and nurse me back into quiet. She was living in rural Wisconsin in a sparsely populated county where the nearest grocery store was two towns over and you could drive for miles and miles without seeing another car. Her experience was not particularly helpful to a mommy living in the DC metro area.
I read books of course, but all of them seemed to disagree or just not to work in real life. One told me that if I went through our nightime routine and then simply placed my daughter in her crib that she would fuss for a while but eventually cry herself out in under 30 minutes. It only shows how desperate we were to get some sleep that we actually tried this. 45 Minutes of hysterics later, Pudding came into bed with us, tears, hiccups and all. The experts underestimated the Pudding's endurance.
The only thing that ever really seemed to help was talking things over with another mother who was going through it. Even if her experience was different from mine, talking things over with her helped to keep me from getting lost in the maze of infancy.
The only problem with this was we were basically the blind leading the blind. Neither of us really knew what we were doing so it was more comparing notes than passing on knowledge. As a result, most of what I know about mothering and babies, I had to learn the hard way, and quick. Here's a short list of the things I figured out so far.
So if I accost you in the grocery store about the joys of babywearing or offer to help you with your latch at a cafe, I apologize. I know this advice is not really wanted. But please know that it comes from a place of love for mommies everywhere and an understanding of how hard the job unfamiliar the territory can seem.
You see, the thing is that I didn't really know many other mommies when I was a new mother. Everything was hard and my mom was 1000 miles away and even when I talked to her, there was an awful lot that she just couldn't help me with. Case in point. Pudding used to scream her little lungs out on any car ride that lasted more than 10 minutes. We tried music, we tried having me sit next to her, we tried no music, we tried NPR thinking that it would put anyone to sleep. Nothing worked.
I asked my mom what she had done and she told me that when I was little (1981) that she hadn't used a car seat, she'd just put me on the passenger seat next to her and kept a hand on me to make sure I didn't roll off. If I got fussy, she'd just pull over to the side of the rural road and nurse me back into quiet. She was living in rural Wisconsin in a sparsely populated county where the nearest grocery store was two towns over and you could drive for miles and miles without seeing another car. Her experience was not particularly helpful to a mommy living in the DC metro area.
I read books of course, but all of them seemed to disagree or just not to work in real life. One told me that if I went through our nightime routine and then simply placed my daughter in her crib that she would fuss for a while but eventually cry herself out in under 30 minutes. It only shows how desperate we were to get some sleep that we actually tried this. 45 Minutes of hysterics later, Pudding came into bed with us, tears, hiccups and all. The experts underestimated the Pudding's endurance.
The only thing that ever really seemed to help was talking things over with another mother who was going through it. Even if her experience was different from mine, talking things over with her helped to keep me from getting lost in the maze of infancy.
The only problem with this was we were basically the blind leading the blind. Neither of us really knew what we were doing so it was more comparing notes than passing on knowledge. As a result, most of what I know about mothering and babies, I had to learn the hard way, and quick. Here's a short list of the things I figured out so far.
- nursing is not the answer for everything
- potty training is not as scary as you think
- you can't go back to the person you were, motherhood is life altering
- boxed drinks are not to be trusted in the hands of toddlers
- Adjusting expectations changes everything
- modern ideas are all well and good but chances are the way your great-grandmother did it was better
- babies can't tell time, when your baby is still new, you should forget how
- take time to enjoy your baby because you will blink and they'll be toddlers
- babywearing is way more fun than a stroller
- The second one is easier because you are already a mother, the transition is less stressful
- trust your body, trust your baby, trust the process that nature set up
So if I accost you in the grocery store about the joys of babywearing or offer to help you with your latch at a cafe, I apologize. I know this advice is not really wanted. But please know that it comes from a place of love for mommies everywhere and an understanding of how hard the job unfamiliar the territory can seem.
Monday, April 5, 2010
More on Parenthood and identity
Most of you know that I write for examiner.com as well as this little blog. A while ago I did a piece on parenthood and identity that was read by a woman producing a play for DC Fringe fest. I haven't seen the play yet but from what I understand the play deals with three women who have recently become mothers who feel that they are losing themselves in the job, something like that. I have been asked to review this play (!) when it is performed at the festival and I'm going to do a "Q&A" with the writer and producer to gain some background on it before I see it.
So first of all, let me just freak out for a minute that someone who is not related to me or friendly with me actually reads my column and likes it!!!!! Ok, I'm composed again.
Secondly, all this talk about the identity crisis that new mothers go through got me thinking a few more thoughts on what I'd already written and I'd like to share them with you. If you'd like to read my original post, here it is.
The first thing I thought about after re-reading this was Madonna. I'm a child of the 80's and 90's so I saw or heard about Madonna going from the creepy/slutty pop star to the sex goddess to Evita and now suddenly she's the mother of many kids and seems perfectly happy to be Mrs. Richie(?) for the rest of her life. Do you think she misses the pointy bra or regrets giving it up to be a mother? My guess is no because, as much fun as I'm sure the pointy bra was, it's not compatible with the other choices she's made and you just can't pull that stuff off after a certain age. She reinvented herself to fit the life she wanted and that is what we women have to do in order to fulfill our goals. Our lives and our identities are not static, they are constantly changing and evolving based on the choices we make.
The second thing I thought of was how long life is and how short childhood is. The average life expectancy is now past 70 but if you choose to be at home with your children while they are small, you're looking at anywhere from 5 to 15 years, depending on how you space those babies. That leaves another 55 years (35 if you subtract the first 20 for your own childhood) to do whatever else you want to do. Being with your children and giving yourself over to their needs is a temporary arrangement unless your kid is one of those that doesn't mind sleeping on his Batman sheets until he's 45.
The other thing about the timing of motherhood that I have never seen in one of those expert books is how much easier it all gets after the first year. For that first year you can feel like you're drowning. You have time for nothing and you are never off duty. But after your baby's first birthday, suddenly you have a lot more options. Your partner can take on a lot more of the baby work that they couldn't do before. Things like feeding and nap schedules are suddenly much easier because your baby has turned into someone who eats people food and who doesn't need a breast in their face ever 3 hours. You can spend a few hours with a friend, you can go grocery shopping by yourself, you can take a class at your community center (I totally recommend Belly Dancing 1), you can get out. Plus, your baby is now learning to play independently at a year so there is less pressure on you when you are there to entertain them. Compared to the life you had before children it won't seem like much but after one year with a baby, you will feel like a free woman.
My final point is the same as that in my examiner.com post but I think it bears repeating. Children are an investment that lasts. Investing your time and your talents with your children and your family and really being there for them when they need you isn't something that can ever be taken away. You may look back at your life and wish you'd done things differently. You may wish you'd traveled more, experienced more, taken a different path from time to time, but you will never regret the time you spent with your kids. That time is precious and is worth far more than all the promotions, raises, and accomplishments that would otherwise define you.
And so, to all the new mommies out there who feel so overwhelmed right now, know that this to shall pass. Your baby won't always want your undivided attention, you toddler won't always want one more story, your preschooler won't always want to ask you about your day. So if you put in the time now, you give your undivided attention, one more story or lesson from your day, you can know that you are planting something that lasts far longer than the next nap time. As hard as it is, you can get through it and you'll be glad you did.
Monday, March 8, 2010
The questionable importance of "Date night"
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. When you're married with little ones having date night is a tough thing to come by. There are sitters to arrange, reservations to make, curling irons to reaquaint oneself with. It's a big production.
Then, once you actually get out without the kids, what do you do with yourselves? Last date night, Dilbert and I went to a very loud restaurant with good food which meant we both ate too much and paid too much for it and could barely hear ourselves speak much less each other. We managed to chat through the din but it was tough going. After that we went to the book store and browsed around for a while before we both settled down with a stack of magazines and books and read. While all this was nice to be able to do, it wasn't exactly a bonding experience for us. We chatted about when we'd plan our next baby, Dilberts crazy plan to arm himself (more on that later) and the prospect of homeschooling our kids. All of this is stuff that we've talked about before with our without the kids around.
While it was nice to have a break from being on call for the kids, it's not like you get a weight lifted from your shoulders when you walk out the door. You don't get a break from being a parent because it's who you are, not something you do. Babysitter or not, you are where the buck stops whether you're in the house or not. So to the mommies out there, don't think that a night out is a night off because there is no night off.
As far as being good for our marriage, date night was a bit of a bust there as well. I had built up so many expectations for what our date ought to be that when it wasn't this big romantic extravaganza, I got hurt. That's not my husbands fault, it's mine. I wanted us to have this sweet romantic time like we used to when we were newlyweds or when we were dating but we aren't those people anymore and romance has changed. Romance is now him saying "I cleaned out the cat box for you because I know how much you hate when it gets smelly," or "This meatloaf is awesome!" Romance is now a door propped open when I'm struggling to get the Tyke, Pudding and two bags of groceries into the house while not letting the cat out. Romance is not a box of chocolates and a bunch of flowers anymore. I value the other things more but even I occasionally forget and succumb to the Hallmark expectations of romance, yet when these things are actually presented to me, I wonder why he'd spend the time and money on something so silly as flowers. (Note to Dilbert: This doesn't mean you're off the hook for flowers for big occasions or any occasion at all, I do enjoy them and they are a wonderful and thoughtful gift. My point is only that I value many other things as romantic besides them.)
My point here is not that we shouldn't do date night, it's fun to actually get out without the kids and do things we can't do with them. However, it's not something that will make or break our marriage. Cleaning out the cat box might but certainly not date night. All joking asside, our marriage hinges on mutual respect and our willingness to meet each others needs. The way we translate that respect and willingness into our daily routine is what makes or breaks us and all the fancy diners and outings in the world wouldn't fix it if that were missing.
Between the carried responsibility of parenthood, the price of date night, the expectations and the changes of romance, dates just ain't what they used to be. Most of the time, I'd rather be curled up next to him watching bad TV after putting the kids to bed. That would only require sweat pants and the remote, that sounds like my kind of date.
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