Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'm fine

"I'm fine." That's what I tell everyone. I almost am sometimes. I can get up in the morning (as well as I ever did) and feed my children and get them to soccer and ballet and sing in the band at Church and do all the things that need doing. I can function.
But not terribly well. My temper is shorter than usual and it was never all that long. I don't play with my kids like I used to and I don't go outside if I can help it. I have rare moments of higher function but I'm not what I used to be. My moods swing like a 13 year olds and I'm just as irrational sometimes.
But worst of all, I don't sleep. I'm writing this at 2:30 this morning because I hate going to bed. I feel like slowing down and stopping for the day is a scary prospect. It takes me forever to fall asleep and for that whole time I have nothing to do but let my mind wander where it will and it always goes to the same place. Joel.
Mother's Day was particularly difficult. I had yet more opportunities to cry in public. I kept thinking "there should be three, I'm supposed to have three." All the songs about faith and drawing strength from the Lord just seemed false to me that day because I didn't feel faithful and I didn't feel strength coming from anywhere.
Mother's day was also confirmation Sunday in our church. All these kids were there making the decision to join the church, follow Jesus and give their lives to Him. The Pastors said prayers over each of them while they were surrounded by their family and mentors. It was beautiful and I cried my eyes out through the whole thing because one of my children will never be given the chance to choose that. His journey is already over and I know that he's with Jesus but he never had the chance to choose and I never had the chance to teach him the way he should go and I'm furious about that.
So I keep avoiding my husband because he needs me to be OK and I don't feel that way yet. I keep yelling at my kids because they are kids and act accordingly. I keep staying up too late because it's easier to distract myself with the lights on. I keep telling everyone I'm fine though I know its not true.