Be Particular

Several years ago I was walking around in a book store and spotted a book with what looked like several drag queens on the cover. Upon closer inspection I realized that they were simply fantastically dressed women wearing towering red wigs, sequinned dressed and majorette boots. The book was called "The Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love" by Jill Connor Brown and it's a hoot. She gives several rules to live by in order to make your own life fabulous to the point where it feels totally ok to dress up as previously described. I'm still working on that one.

One of the rules came to me today and made me think of that long ago discarded book. Be Particular. This rule applies to nearly everything in life and I'm incredibly glad I followed it in my choice of midwives for this last pregnancy.

Before we were pregnant with Joel, I checked out a few other options for our birth because we weren't sure we could afford to pay for another homebirth. I went to look at some midwives that practice in a hospital and you can read about my reaction to them here. For those too lazy to follow the link, I didn't like them. They didn't feel personal to me, they didn't greet me with a hug and a cup of tea. But I'm so glad that they didn't because it meant that when everything went south with that pregnancy, I was surrounded by midwives who did greet me with a hug and who knew me and loved me and came with me on the hardest day of my life not as a paid midwife, but just as a friend. She was right there making sure that I had the best care possible and avoided the pain and trauma that was always chasing me. She sat with me while we made our decisions with no judgement, only sympathy. She was the one steadying my hand so I could hold my baby for the first and only time.

I am so grateful I didn't do the financially responsible thing in this case and go with the midwives that our insurance would pay for but who would have dropped me like a hot potato at the first sign of trouble. They would have said "I'm so sorry" just like everyone else does and that would have been nice but then Dilbert and I would have been left alone to transverse the world of high risk obstetrics without an educated guide and friend. I'm so glad that I refused to settle for care that would be good enough and insisted on seeing someone better.
It's important to be particular.

I'm a little more fine

Today is not a good day but it's not bad either. The kids have fought and squealed at each other most of the morning but one of them is napping now and the other is coloring robins upstairs. I'm not the basket case I've been for most of the last few months. I'm not saying I'm better yet but I feel like I've at least achieved some equilibrium again.
Part of the reason for this has been my counselor. She's pretty great. I've only seen her twice so far but just talking about all the stuff that's swirling around in my head seems to help. I've talked to my husband about all this stuff before but somehow it's different with an objective party. She hasn't heard it all before. She didn't live through it. Anyway, it helps. I'm sortof wishing I'd done it sooner.
Another reason I think I'm doing better is that Dilbert and I got away last weekend. We left the kids with my aunt and uncle and stayed at a hotel. You all don't need to know about most of that weekend but we did have the time to really open the flood gates. All the feelings and sadness that we'd been holding back because we're busy or the kids need us or we have to work in the morning was able to be put out there on the table and dealt with. I realized that I'd been assuming the worst of him and he'd been frustrated with me for not being better. Before you all jump all over him for that one you should know that he didn't want to feel this way, but feelings happen weather we want them too or not and this was one that was hard to hear but I'm glad he shared it.
When we left, I promised to give him the benefit of the doubt and he promised to be more patient with me. So far so good. We feel like we're back on the same team again.