Thrill Issues

I was at a birth today. It was a beautiful, spiritual, life-affirming home birth and I felt so honored to share in it with this family. Another close friend has had a baby recently and these two other moms and I have been joking that in another few months I'll have to get pregnant or I'll break our string of babies. Between the three of us we've had at least one baby born every year since 2005. Since this baby just made it over the line into 2010, I think I'm off the hook until 2011 which is a good thing.
The Tyke just turned a year old on the 30th. He's a big, happy, healthy boy and he's working on being as independent as he can but he's still my baby. He still looks to me for comfort when the Pudding doesn't want to play with him. He loves the pudding and is devastated when she doesn't want to play. He still needs to be held for 30 minutes after every nap. He still needs to be the baby whenever life gets too overwhelming.
Lately I've been jonsing for a new baby. I hold my friends newborn in my arms and look down at that squished up little face and those blinky newborn eyes and I swear I can feel an ovary jump. I also love hanging out with my midwives and the only time I get to do that is when I'm pregnant. I love all the attention you get as a pregnant woman. People smile at you, wish you good luck, ask you how you're feeling. Some pregnant women hate that stuff but I eat it up.
I love the whole process of what your body does during pregnancy and birth. It's all so primal. You have to learn to listen to your body and do what it wants. You have to learn the process and get out of the way. You have to learn to take care of yourself so that lack of sleep, poor nutrition and fear don't get in the way of this awesome force of nature. I actually hate the experience of being pregnant. The weird joints and the big belly are not much fun to deal with but I love the process and I love birth.
I had a home birth with the Tyke and when I made it through that I felt like there was nothing I couldn't do. My body built a giant, perfect baby and got him out in once piece, what can life throw at me that I can't handle?
I'm missing the high of that experience. I think that's what it really is. I love babies and I love my kids and I want more but right now I know another baby just isn't the best idea. My baby needs to be the baby for a little while longer and I need to get to know who that little person is before we add to our little family. So as much as I may love the idea of having another one, now is not the season. I'm just going to have to find more births to attend to take care of my thrill issues.